Brainstorm

Life as a whole.

Ahhh. Satisfaction. I have reached the point of satisfaction. I have done what I could and lived my life to the fullest as I can since the past year. I learn something new every time I let myself do. I was battling with myself for some time back. Trying to rediscover my definition of life, all over again. No one can fully define it for anyone anyhow. But now, I’ve finally let myself love me. I’m not trying to disect "Life" anymore. I’m trying to live it.I tried understanding myself more than ever lately. And came up with the conclusion to change. It is one of the most absurbed idea alot of people will not get, when I say I want to change, yet, this is the decision that I believe happens more often than realise. The decision that makes the line that differenciates an average human to an extrodinary one. A good friend of mine told me that I should remember that God made me this way, what gives me the smart head to hate myself so much? I am actually really blessed that I can only say I’m sorry if you do envy me. I used to envy others. Now, I envy no more. As good as I may sound to be, or as contented as I may seem, I won’t stop here. I’m moving on. As much as I had been through too, I know still haven’t seen anything. But I learnt too that the more I see, the more I realise how insignificant everything in this world actually is. The things we prize and put first are usually the things we forget that are the most pointless. At the end of a lifetime, you will still question the very being you are, your worth and what is it you really want. This search will probably never end or never start if you knew what the search is about. However I wouldn’t want to say it here again, I believe the answer is Jesus. But oh well, that’s for you to find out. Can I hear an Amen to that?

Working for L’Oreal Professionnel Colour Trophy event.

It was a blast, of course, minus the 60% boredom of sitting around, watching the rehearsal while I mentally judge and categorize humans in their ‘natural’ surroundings. ‘Natural’ meaning, such like, models at their runway area or the event managers running the system etc. etc. I learnt nearly as much as when I worked for Stylo, KL Fashion Week. But I did less running about in the chaos. I got to observe closer to how Chris, the creative director did his thing. It was fascinating to watch people in control and people basking in glamour for walking up and down, while packing an LV bag with a cup or Starbucks good to go :). With just a few of us college people working (for a cheap pay, mind you), we were treated more like potentials’ rather than the extra hand. Makes me wonder whether I should get into event managing slash the fashion line. Haha The only regret I had working for this is that I didn’t bring my tripod along. That’s why the pictures in my profile are not half as good as it’s supposed to be. But I’m pleased enough. I had my trusty camera and that’s good enough.

Everything else that matters.

Goodbye to Jane. My best friend and confidante who left me for Australia a few days ago. Jane, if you read this, you suck :’( but I love you anyway. College has begun again. Back to school. I’m already loaded with work as I type… Oh well, at least I’m already a full fledged senior doing my major now. I’m wasting time here but well, if you read till here, you suck too… go do some work. Haha Thank you You are my greatest audience. Kisses from me. *pause momentarily* *slaps head* Did I just kiss you??

Whopeey! I just thought I’d celebrate my 111 pageviews in flickr and 222 in deviantART today. It’s really odd that my deviantART account hit this mark way way way faster than flickr but I guess I shouldn’t doubt that since I am more active and happy in DA

Feel invited to inform me you DA account and I’ll add you as a friend or in flickr for that matter. I guess you can say I’ve got pulled into the joints. But heck, I’m having fun and it boosts up my self confidence while keeping me humble at the same time I think it is somewhat important to be partial involved in these sites for a few purposes. I want to build some recognition especially within the art scene to also pick up some names for future use. I need to know what is in the market now too. Earn a reputation at the same time when the day comes when I fully know that I am good enough.

Oh well, as long as I remember that whatever happens on the net can never be as sweet as what we experience in reality. This will keep me from being one of those lost in cyberworld, creating an artificial me, living, feeling (I mean emoticoning) breathing everything non-existant. But as I said, everything has it’s pros and cons.

It’s only cause I am on holiday now that I fully divert my attention to the next thing that would improve my knowledge in art, hence making a wiser me. I can’t wait to get back to college and start tying a rope around my neck… but I AM excited. hahaha Already in my first week, I’ll be missing a day of classes and during the same day, I will be missing a training for a day event for Loreal. I’m not sure whether I will be working for it yet though. Seeing that I’m requested to, they might lemme get away without training. Haha..

Anyway, I wish everyone a good day and hope that my ex schoolmates are doing well Cheerio.

Dear Lord, I need someone to talk to. I need to complain. I’m so depressed. Everything is crashing down on me. Sigh.

Forget it. It’s just dumb.

I need a dog.

Life.Is.Good.

..and so is Pepsi when you’re thirsty, hamburgers when you’re hungry, chocolates when you’re craving and any other luxuries when you are in want.

Blessed is me who receives the best in life =) I have entered the danger zone and I’m living the life. THE life. I can look at other people’s lifes and be 90% fully contented with mine. 10% is for improvement and to acknowledge the imperfections of life. Yet still living by my theory that imperfection is what makes things perfect. I look at the greener grass at the other side of the fence and I realise MY whole garden is fruitier. Fruits that last, grow and multiply. I am living the life.

The vulnurability, the unknown and the risk of the unforseen is what makes life exciting. The capability to overcome fear and experience every feeling in life makes things seem as if your senses has come to an awaking jolt by 20 doses of juiced pure raw lemons of the morning. This is the beauty of.. the beauty of.. being a designer… =)

Yup, I am one. and it’s an excuse and permission for every action I take. And I take many.. but still going by the motto win or die trying. I love this life. We work hard and we play hard. And now I have too many things planned out for tomorrow. I am always looking ahead with no regrets.. So now I shall rest my head, for tomorrow cometh another battle to win till I finally conquer the world.. :p

Thank you Lord for my good life, happy birthday to you Jesus, merry christmas to you guys and a happy new year. Cheers mate =)

I can’t be any more less bothered. I just can’t. I don’t even know what it is that I couldn’t care less of. But one thing for sure, I don’t care.

Well I guess you are right to think that anyone who says that is actually really bothered. Yes, that is why I can’t get whatever it is off my mind. So I’m blogging my scramblings now..

I am really bothered.. I feel it so much that I wanna tell the world to shut up when no one is really saying anything.. Shut up coz I really don’t care! What is going on? What am I NOT missing? because it doesn’t bother me if I am missing out. I say that but I don’t mean it.. and yet it’s true too..

Huh? You ask me what’s going on? I ask you the same thing.. You’re probably as confused as I am now. But I’m not confused.. and you’re sure you’re not too.. I am sure of that.. Aren’t I right?

So okay, whatever. One thing I know that is bothering me now is the fact that I wish I enter the danger zone. But Elvis tells me that fools rush in.. And yet, fools miss out waiting for nothing.. Trust my heart? That’s nonsense. My mind is smarter but it won’t say anything that helps.. Heart desires, mind objects. Mind keeps quiet, heart becomes cautious.. The silence of the mind is defeaning to the heart..but oddly calming at the same time..

Gah, I give up. Yet I can’t give up something non-existent.. I guess I’m scared. That must be it.. I know what I am capable of. I give my all, or nothing at all. Win or die trying. That is why I haven’t entered danger zone yet. Enter with precaution? I just might die trying..

Well, if you’ve read this far, I applaud you. You have just read a piece of my mind.. the mind of an aspiring madman. The mind of the potentially capable genius. hahahaha.. also, the empty mind of the satisfied and filled mind of an idiot. More than that, the unprepared mind that is fully ready for more…

Deep down I want to give the love I have that is more than enough for me. To the ideal and to whom I’m an illusion of ideal. I have more in my mind that I am telling.

But right now I can’t be bothered. And so can’t you. So let’s leave it to that. And leave me, to finish typing this blog entry and you, to finish reading this stupid blog. hahahaha.. self proclaimed idoicy. Well that’s what you get when you scramble your green eggs and ham, I mean, ramble your words. Did I say ramble? I mean scramble thank you for being such a great audience tonight, ladies and gentleman, feel free to leave a comment as a tip to this poor blogger. See you and have a good night! xD

I think it’s about one month plus since i’ve been in college. And.. COLLEGE ROCKS! Why? i don’t know xP Whenever anyone asks, i’d say, college is oversickeningly, stressfully fun. Because that is what it is. My mum says we seem to be having all fun and play in coll.. haha! But no, i’m dying here too…

Oh, I’m in PJ College of Art and Design, btw.

Oh yea, we walk in and out of class like it’s our bedroom. We come to class as and when we like xP but it’s not a disciplinary problem. It’s mutual understanding that we have with our lecturers ;D On the contrary, we NEED to behave this way for reasonable reasons. yeap yeap, true designers we are ;D

Now to stop blabbering and start saying things more meaningful.. College has proved to me even more how everyone in this world is individually unique and also, stereotypical. I know this statement show that i’m contridicting myself. But categorising people to be stereotypical shows that they are individually unique to be like that too.. AND i am still learning not to judge people. I do not, shall not, and will never. But as a college mate said, having opinions about someone is totally a different thing xP so, my principal is just to keep what i think that may be harmful, to myself.

How I’ve changed since college is, my patience is often wearing thin. Which is why i learn that it’s best to shut up most of the time i’m not in the mood to entertain. I learn that many people just want to be heard, whether or not what they say makes any effect, and being a listener gives my ear a little more burden than before. But understand me as I say that it always pays to listen.. Not being a talker, this blog is where I make you listen xP (if anyone do care anway, haha). I learn that whatever or whoever you are, being selfish never work, and being friendly always helps you score points with those you care to be in good terms with. I am also reminded that there are no "bad" people in this world, just people who don’t really bother to be good xP not forgetting to mention that some people are just brought up with a certain attitude that i can choose to ignore if it displeases me.. and so can you =)

Being a person with your own identity with a certain limitation also makes you an outstanding person. I learn in college that what I am is what people like me for. And that goes for others too.. Anyway, this blog entry is just to explain abit of what I feel now and then. I don’t know why I always feel the need to explain myself. Maybe it’s not often that I do..

So whatever, get the cool shoe shine ^_^ lyrics taken from the Gorillaz song. So, go on, get it. I’m gonna shine.. oh yeaah.. xD

Recently, my family and I made trips back and forth from Johor Bharu and Singapore. I think it is cool to be able to check out our neighbouring friends and see how culture is like over there. In conclusion, Singapore, the land of the sea lion? the land of ?? ..bla bla.. and bla bla.. is basically, just… ridiculously clean..

13th June 2007

After 5 hours of a butt-abusing drive to JB, we took off to Singapore in a bus, armed with our precious passports and anything I thought might come in handy. Cap? check, bottle? check, useless handphone? check, ipod? check! all ready. Funny that I didn’t carry any cash ;p

First off the event list is a visit to Singapore’s Discovery Science Center. Pretty cool. Everyone speaks english there -_-" boy, don’t i belong there pretty well.. lol. The center is pretty alike to Petrosains, excluding the fact that Singapore does things wayyy better. Preferance wise, I think the centre provided a good outlook on optical illusion and infomation. Biggest flaw that I thought the center had, was the fact that the things to play around with, is equipped with almost 3 paragraphs long of instructions. I was screaming "What do I do to play already??". Admitedly, the center is really good for primary to lower secondary schooling kids..lol. And that’s saying alot.

Note: Malaysians get the privilage of having the biggest attractions at half price or more. Instead of Singapore Dollars, we could also use Ringgit currency. What a big saver! hahaha..

14th June 2007

A trip to Sentosa Island! xD To arrive there, take a bus from Singapore to Vivo City shopping mall, and head towards the 3rd(?) floor and take a monorail train straight there. Either that, or have the luxury of enjoying a cable car ride. Half price for Malaysians again Make sure you’ve brought your passports again.

Sentosa’s package deal offered attractions like Merlion, Sky Tower, Images of Singapore, freebies like a free drink (Sky Cooler) at Skybar and a 6R Digital Photo at Merlion. The Merlion is supposed to be a half mermaid half lion. So on the way back from KL on Saturday, I noticed a place called Merlimau.. half mermaid, half limau =_=" hahaha..

Sky Cooler with marshmallows at Skybar!

15th July 2007

Next up, was a trip to Haw Par Villa xD It is a garden created by the guy who made Tiger Balm for his dead brother :p hahaha. He even depicted 10 levels of the Buddhists’ HELL there. (God knows why.. ) there were many scupltures that also represented the different virtues and vices.

This place is so ideal for naughty kids like me! haha.. In my view, it emphasises on filial piety and doing good. No lying, no cheating, no avoiding paying your taxes :p etc.. The villa also had a depiction of Journey to the West (remember the chinese series played on tv some time back? yeah.. that journey to the west, with the monkey and everything..)

16th July 2007

Yay! On this day, we decided to just "cuti-cuti Malaysia". And that was quite a relieve from travelling and going through immigration and thus, the unknown (dum dum dummm)… So on Saturday, we went to a museum in Johor. It had an elaborate setting of preserved rooms that the Sultan of Johor used or uses (some of the rooms are still in use for special occasions).

Nothing too commercialised like what you will find in Singapore, but admitedly, the museum is rich with tradition and real culture. AND literally rich with silver, gold and piewter. Also, it was boring :p typically a history text book in a larger scale :p :p

After all seen and experienced, we head back to KL with a pretty good week don’t know what else to say but that :p One thing for sure, Malaysia has goooood food for a cheaper price! haha

I know people will think I am weird for blogging so much so often. But i have lots of time on my hands now to catch up with the things I wanted to do when I didn’t have time. I just want to keep a record of the things I’ve been doing so far, so here is a periodic dairy of some of my life’s events.

14th April 2007

My first interview for a scholarship. I got short-listed for The Star newspaper’s education fund. It was for the Institute of Advertising, Communication Training (IACT). I was so silently excited but thankful calm at the same time. Getting the scholarship would not mean I will attend the institute. IACT were offering 6 fully paid scholarships. Making the long story short, I think I did fairly well that day although receiving only a half scholarship. They couldn’t even offer that for my chosen course. In that case, it looked like Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman has become a huge prospect. Partial scholarship, partial disappointment.

21st April 2007

Hari Anugerah Cemerlang in my former secondary school. I was celebrated! Haha! Receiving RM50 was worth the effort of the slightly dreaded approach to school. But it wasn’t enough for the effort put in to study for SPM. I was still happy though. Seeing familiar faces doesn’t always seem bad :p Proof that I’m quite introverted.

26th April 2007

Another interview through The Star for PJ College of Art and Design (PJCAD). This time I was more relaxed, but ever more hopeful. Taking public transportation with my dad alone is really rare, and we did it that day just for kicks and fun. The interview went even greater than before but my chances of getting the full scholaship is smaller. They were giving out only ONE fully paid. There were 3 candidates, all girls *sweat*. According to the sweet CEO, I had more of a 50/50 chance, but the other girl’s father was a lorry driver or something :p And again, I got a half scholarship although they intentionally wasn’t giving that out. Heartbreaking.

IACT was offering lower fees for the graphic designing course compared to PJCAD; so it was finally either UTAR, or IACT. Bummer. Hard as it may be, I stood tough and understood my parents. I took a nap that day, feeling almost down in the dumps and when I woke up, my mum bursts into my room skipping, saying "Mr. Liew (PJCAD’s CEO) is offering to lower the fees to what IACT is offering!!" Wheee! God works in funny ways..

NOTE: No bribery was included :p nor any sugar-coated mouth sweet talking. Nope. Just pure good intentions. Thanks mom I hope this inspires you to dream.. because with best intentions, passion, hopes, dreams and prayer, you WILL succeed.

28th and 29th April 2007

‘No Apologies’ seminar was held. Here, I chose to abstain from SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!! hahaha.. I was sure that’ll catch your attention. If you’re a doofus, you’ll lose your virginity too early in life. yuppp.. dooooOOofus. Wanna debate with me? Sure, I challenge you. Leave me a message on Friendster, fire me, fo’sure I’ll get back to you hahaha..abstain..abstain..abstain……

1st May 2007

Got my ridiculously expensive Puma watch! and bought a ridiculous amount of clothes to last me for a nice, good long time. On this day I also realised how materialistic I CAN become and realised that I’m moving from the Kid to Older Kid stage in life. People are treating me better. whoo..

Time to reinvent my blog and myself ever since the last time I deleted it. So many things about me has changed that I feel like I should type it down for nobody’s sake. Why do we blog? It’s just like asking why do we take photos? To commemorate the moment, or the experience or to explore the capabilities of our creativity, whether or not we choose to share it, make it public or not. Either way, blogging does not mean others have to read or anyone, for that matter, and that gives us the option of privacy. For me, it’s to help me journal out what I’ve been through.

Jaw Surgery; 28th March 2007

Day before surgery.

I was admitted into the hospital the day before the surgery. Being younger than most of the patients there, everyone looked at me curiously. Of course, I looked perfectly healthy, which caused more curiosity. I changed into pajama-type clothes. I was given a sarong! >_< what was embarrassing was that I couldn’t really tie it. Oh well, typical city girl. When an intern dentist wanted to take a blood test, he figured that my veins were so fine and he had to inject me a few times! oww. ha ha.. thank goodness a dentist with more exposure was around to ‘feel’ my vein. I reckon that I’m just full of nice fat :p

Later in the day on the 27th.

I was given multiple shots of novocaine into my mouth to numb my gums before they wire my mouth. This process is quite like putting on braces except that they wired my mouth in between every few teeth instead of going straight across. And THAT hurt way more than you can imagine. After the grueling wiring, the professor wiped my mouth with a tissue and that was when I realised I was bleeding profusely (shock!) but I didn’t feel the blood. This process just feels like someone sewing metal into your mouth. It sounded like a construction site..

I went back to my ward and the over-friendly patients sharing my ward looked and talked to me curiously again. I looked like a drug addict from my nose down to my chin. Or actually, more like a foaming, bleeding werewolf (ok, maybe not that gruesome). Oh, and it was the first time I had two stitches.

SURGERY DAY!

Nothing was running through my mind except, "Everyone is still looking, abit more worriedly this time". I changed out of my pajama-shirt and sarong and got wheeled out on a bed to the operation section. First came the cold air-cond and a then a few questions. I was actually 17 then, but my records said 18. So well, whatever, it got solved. More wheeling until i got into the surgery room and changed beds. Next, the anesthetics strapped me in, injected me here and there and finally placed a breathing mask over me… and whoa la!

(blank and darkness for one millisecond)

In a blink of an eye, 4-6 hours was gone. I can’t gage exactly how long because I don’t wear a watch into an operation room :p I woke up and felt drugged (I was after all) and although I can barely see, I heard the nurses loud and clear (sooo much chatter among themselves). One of them was tying my hair in a braid upwards from my lying position and another was saying, "jangan main rambut orang!". So cheeky. She continued to tie my hair though.

Day after surgery.

I was in the intensive care unit (ICU) for a night where I surprisingly felt like none of the nurses paid any attention to me, in contrast with the other hospital units. By then, I had a tube into my bladder, an injection tube on my left ankle and two on both of my arms. Every few hours I am injected with glucose and antibiotics. The antibiotics flows into the blood stream, so it hurts. Good remedy for an emo :p And for any extra pain, I could press a button to release morphine as pain killers! haha.. i accidentally pressed excessively once :p and that probably explained my post surgery behaviour :p :p :p

Recovery.

After ICU, I spent a night in the High Dependency Unit and soon I was shifted back to my normal ward. I still hadn’t gotten off the bed by then. Talking about the bladder tube, I found it useless. So you can imagine holding your bladder for a few days. After I got used to walking, I could pee happily! hahaha.. The negative side of this whole experience is that I have never felt so weak or depressed in my whole life. But I remembered my surgeon, Professor Roslan, telling me with a thoughtful far-away look "You just got to be positive and remember it gets better bit by bit daily. It’s not a miracle thing" (I was paraphrasing). At that time, I didn’t know why he would bother telling me that. Positively, it didn’t leave any bad effects and I was so grateful for the smallest things in life. I was grateful for mum, grateful for dad, grateful for walking, eating, drinking, peeing, and definitely releasing gas :p (sorry for being so detailed, but I really was..). All in all, it was great I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything much :p but I wouldn’t exactly want to do it again. If you want to know what it’s like, do try it. Especially if you get a government medical discount

Warning: One of the effects during surgery is scaring your mum to death.. so precautions should be taken

The physical improvement?

Don’t know. No idea. I looked the same as ever to myself :p I don’t doubt many people have gone and done a surgery expecting to come out a Britney. That is why my dentists stresses on practicality. Once, my home dentist asked, "So are you happy with the results?" I was quite taken off thought by this question because I had never considered it. I replied that I didn’t expect anything in the first place, and truly wanted the experience. She smiled at that.. I was happy too. For everyone and everything Thank you guys for your prayers.